According to this computer, it’s already after midnight, making it my 22^nd wedding anniversary.  My husband and I frequently miss each other on this holiday, which also means we miss each other on his birthday, which is June 5^th.  Right now, I’m in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada.  Usually, Steve is away for his work, so my being gone is the only odd thing about this anniversary.

Twenty-two years is quite a long time.  A child this age would be able to drive, vote, drink, and be – hopefully – done with college and looking for a job.  In theory, my marriage should be able to support itself now, even if it still thought ramen noodles were dinner food.

I’ve had a number of good friends go through some rough divorces lately.  I was even part of a women’s group where everyone in the group, besides me, was either contemplating divorce, going through one, or was recovered from one.  After a while, I said something to the group about how awkward I felt sharing my personal details because I had a happy marriage.  I did not expect their response:  the other women all asked me to keep talking about what was going on at my house because it gave them hope that, yes in fact, some people do get happily married.

When people ask how we’ve managed to stay married so happily for so long, my instinctual response is to say, “I don’t know.”  But, I suspect I do know.  We both know.

To celebrate this anniversary, I have a list of ways that we’ve managed to stay happily married. As I’ve already mentioned, I’m not at home and it’s already 1 a.m. back home, so the following list is incomplete.  I should have a list of ways that Steve thinks we’ve managed 22 years, but that will have to wait.  Letting him sleep is a way that we’ve stayed married.

1. Very minimal criticism. I can probably count on one hand the number of times in 22 years he’s told me he didn’t like an outfit I was wearing.  We’ve both become good cooks by having the other one praise our most hideous efforts.  Not only does this mean we’re just really nice to each other, it also means that when we have a criticism, we are listened to.  Since any criticism is rare, when I share an unpopular opinion about a parenting decision he’s made, or his choice of a shirt, he takes me seriously.
2. Coping with adversity. This sounds ridiculous at the outset.  No one is going to advise couples to enact a traumatic event so they can grow closer together.  But, honestly, these events are going to happen if you’re together long enough.  We’ve gone through job loss, breast cancer, open-heart surgery, moving, moving again, and moving again.  It’s not just the trauma, but how you handle it.  We’ve done okay by listening to each other and – see #1 above – not criticizing each other much.
3. Finding common interests. When we hit a rocky patch a while ago in our marriage, we realized that between jobs, my graduate school, and raising kids we’d lost any common interests we used to share.  So, we set out to find some.  We both like to create art, but we learned that is a crappy joint activity because I like to be inspired and free when I make art, but Steve is organized and tidy.  The friction wasn’t worth it.  We moved on and kept trying.  We found that we both enjoyed mystery video games with puzzles to solve.  Many late nights were spent trying to find just one more clue or uncover one more hidden object.  Good times.  Now, we’re really enjoying re-watching the modern Star Trek television series.  It’s a shared interest and it gives us something to talk besides the house, the kids, and our jobs.
4. Respecting each other’s tempo. I’m a go-go-go person.  Steve’s not.  I make snap decisions, which I sometimes regret while he deliberates and has been known to take a long time thinking about what to say.  At this point, he just lets me go fast and I let him go slow.  It balances out quite nicely.  If I rush him, he shuts down.  If he tries to calm me down, I get antsy.  We’ve learned to adjust rather than try to change each other.

I wish I knew what Steve’s list would say.  But, like I said earlier, letting him sleep when he wants to is another key way that we’ve stayed happily married.

Happy Anniversary, Steve.

Please add your comments below about how you’ve managed to stay in a relationship for a long time or how you think you’d do it.

Thanks for reading!